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I've been with the company for over a year now. I like most of my co-workers, a good number of the customers and my job, in general, is pleasant. However, there are those days that make me feel like slamming my forehead against a desk repeatedly.
Dear Starbucks Customers,
1) Don't come into the store thinking it's your personal garbage dump. The basket that contains water bottles near the hand off counter is NOT a trash can. Just because we check the cafe every so often for newspapers, straw wrappers, etc does NOT mean it's okay to let your kids leave their half-empty drinks, stack of dirty napkins and MCDONALD'S HAPPY MEAL BAGS lying around. When we rang you up earlier, didn't you say you were a pre-school teacher?
2) Are you aware that i'm WATCHING YOU at the hand off counter when you throw your straw wrapper down and expect me to throw it away for you? Honestly, how much effort does it take to turn around and walk three steps over to the trash? Are you THAT lazy? But of course, not lazy enough to make sure you place it as far away from me as possible so i'll nearly have to climb over the counter to reach it. I hope your slob kids junk up your 2007 BMW M6 convertible with straw wrappers and piss on the seats.
3) When I give you your total at the register, do you think you're super cool when you flick your credit card at me like a frisbee? We're in a coffee shop, not a damn park. Is it too hard for you to HAND your credit card to me? Is it too hard for people with cash to place it in my HAND instead of smacking it down on the counter? You're really not funny or amusing and everyone around you thinks you're acting like a huge asshole.
4) "Tall..grande..venti? That is like, so backwards! Who comes up with this stuff?! It's like, so dumb! Why not just call the sizes small, medium and large?!" First of all, I did not make these names. Second of all, bitching at me will do NOTHING. If you have a huge issue with the names of our drink sizes, call CORPORATE. Don't waste your time complaining to a barista who has absolutely no power over something like this. If you're ranting just to look *cool*, well, actually, you look like a whiny moron. The person in line behind you wishes you'd shut your fat mouth so they can place their order.
5) When you tell me you want a grade caramel frappuccino with extra caramel, extra whip and light ice, i'm assuming you know what the hell you're ordering. When I place a tall, non-fat, 2 splenda cappuccino at the hand off counter, i'm assuming you know that it belongs to another customer. Apparently, I gave you too much credit. The drink you ordered is COLD, NOT HOT. It comes with WHIPPED CREAM, NOT FOAM. Does that cappuccino look ANYTHING like what you ordered? No, it doesn't. Please put the top back on and put the cup down before you contaminate it with your germs. Also please go home, go on the official Starbucks website and study the menu so that when you come into the store next time, you don't look like a huge idiot.
6) It's a slow day. You're the only person in the store. You order your drink. Nobody is behind you. I make your drink and hand it off at the hand-off counter. Still, nobody else is in the store. You're staring at the drink I placed in front of you. You look up at me and ask curiously, "Is this my drink?" Of course, since i'm on the job, I tell you it is. But what I really want to say is: "No, ma'am. The drink I just placed in front of you is not yours. It's my friend Juan's drink who is currently taking a mean dump in the bathroom. He ate lunch at the new Mexican Restaurant next door and had stomach problems." *Glares at the take out bag you're holding* "He'll be out momentarily to pick it up. Now, what did you order? :D"
7) When the partner on register takes your order, there is no need to tell them 10 TIMES that you need your no-foam latte to be decaf. Even though i'm sure you think we look it, I promise we're not incompetent idiots. They heard you the first time. When i'm on bar and in the middle of making your drink, again, there is no need to announce 10 MORE times to "make sure" your no-foam latte is decaf. If you're going to drop dead or have horrible seizures due to caffeine, you probably shouldn't trust ANYONE with your coffee and should brew it yourself at home anyway. Your incredibly annoying presence is tempting me to press the non-decaffeinated button on the espresso machine, so i'm suggesting you get your irritating ass the hell out of the store.
8) STOP ASKING ME FOR MY MARK OUTS. If you want a free pound of coffee so badly, FILL OUT AN APPLICATION. No, I will not give you half of it. No, I don't care if it's intended to be a gift for your mother on Mother's Day. If you didn't come off so desperate and bothersome, I might have considered it. But since you're an annoying shit and you're a complete stranger, the answer is NO.
9) When i'm on bar and you see i'm standing in reach of the lids/straws/cup holders, open your mouth and politely ASK me to hand something you need to you. DO NOT reach over into my area and snatch whatever is in your reach as you please. What would you do if I noticed one of your windows was down when I walked by your car and I reached inside to grab the "Greatest Beach Boys Hits" album i've been wanting? If that would be alright with you, grabbing that iced grande lid that's behind the counter is fine by me!
10) Don't hand me a $100 bill and act all super pissed off when I tell you our store doesn't accept anything over $20's. You're purchasing a SOLO ESPRESSO which is $1.70 and you're pulling out a $100 bill?! "I have a $5 bill but I really need the change!" Quit your whining. Starbucks is NOT your bank. Don't you have to specifically ask for $100 bills when withdrawing money from the bank, anyway? And even if not, you should have returned the $100 bill immediately and asked for something smaller. Don't bitch and moan to me saying "This policy is ridiculous" and "I'm here all the time! C'mon..can't you do me a favor?" or "I'm calling corporate!" You do that! Please, please just shut up and pick up your solo espresso that we gave you on the house in hopes to get your demanding ass out as quickly as possible.
11) You have on Chanel sunglasses, you're holding an IPone, carrying a Versace purse over your shoulder and wearing Manolo Blahniks on your feet. Don't you DARE expect me to take you seriously when you're complaining that your drink was 25 cents cheaper last time. At least you know to ask your daddy for 25 more cents when you return for your next visit!
12) You think it's adorable when your kids stick their hands in our tip jars and nearly spill them over? Well, we certainly don't. Teach your kids some manners and keep them under control. The counter is not a high chair or changing table. It is not a play ground or a place where we keep toys. I'd like to see how YOU'D like it when someone sticks their filthy hands in your wallet.
13) When you approach the register, GET OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE. I will not ask you for your drink order until you do so because I refuse to interrupt your extremely important conversation about your nail-polish color. If you're not ready to end your life-or-death phone call, get the HELL OUT of my line and allow the people waiting behind your inconsiderate ass to order. You're angry at me for taking them before you even though you were in line first? Well, maybe if you PAID ATTENTION and told the person on the other line to HOLD, you would have noticed I was ready to take your order 10 minutes ago.
14) Don't get all huffy when I tell you someone has the men's restroom key and that they'll be out momentarily. "Why the heck is the restroom locked anyway? Give me your manager's contact number!" I'm sorry Sir, but we had no choice considering that immature, nasty pre-teens were coming in every other day taking craps right in the middle of the restroom floors. However, we will gladly unlock the restrooms at all times if you agree to be our official Starbucks janitor!
15) I know exactly what you're doing when you order a doppio espresso in an iced grande cup with extra ice. You think you're clever because of all the money you just saved, don't you? If watered down espresso (from the extra ice) and using milk that's been sitting out for 5 hours is clever, that's news to me! Honestly, if you can't afford to order the correct way, you shouldn't be ordering at all. Dunkin Donuts is right around the corner, honey.
16) When I direct you sweetly to the condiment bar after you ordered a venti coffee with cream and sugar, don't act as if I stabbed you in the throat with a steak knife because I didn't put them in for you. I'm well aware by now that you're an entitlement asshole, but there's no need to cause a scene. Instead of ranting on and on about how we should do it for you, hand me back the damn cup so I can add your stupid condiments and get your lazy ass out the door.
I probably left something important out, but that's just about all that comes to mind for now. Feel free to add to the list.
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